Well fellow bloggers, another day has passed, not that this day is any different than the one before. Nothing special happened..... well, having my boyfriend come pick me up from work is always special ^_^ and plus the fact that he finally went to have dinner with me and a friend at Rigga Road. Now most of you would think that there is nothing special about that, but the thing is.... my boyfriend is Local and works for the Government of Dubai who is always, and I mean ALWAYS in a Condura, and as such, needs discretion practiced at all times. Meaning.... no PDA (Public Display of Affection) no malling, no dining out, no bars, no liquor and no cigerattes and all other stuff that are normally "NORMAL and COMMON" to most people. So I think you would understand why having dinner at Rigga, one of the most crowded streets in Dubai, would be a BIG thing for me. I was practically beaming all the way home. He didn't stay long at the flat tho cause he have work early tomorrow. O yeah... he is also one of those rare Local guys who believe in practicing celibacy until we get married. You have no idea how frustrating this could be.....specially to someone who's as "active" as me. But I do love the guy and adore him beyond belief.... which is a huge puzzle to me as well so don't ask me why or how.....
So now I'm in bed listening to my room mate rant about her "complicated" love life and as much as I want to be sympathetic and listen to her love woes.... I am just not in the mood. On most days I don't mind her ranting about it.... (She rants about nothing else) but tonight is just too sweet for me. So I let most of what she is saying slip right pass me and I know I am being a bitch.... I would probably be remorseful by tomorrow, But I really am just not in the mood :( sorry sis.... One of them days you know. Besides, She don't need me to figure out and answer her dilemmas for her. She is old enough to know how to get herself in this situation. I am sure she knows how to get herself out of it as well.... She is a smart girl after all.
Eventually, she finally realized that i just am not interested, we both are now ready for bed. Good night fellow bloggers..... this nonchalant bitch is now signing of..... CIAO 6_6
you crazy too..... good ^_^
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Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Happiness
My life is not perfect. Far from it. It's a constant struggle to make it mean something. And everyday brings new uncertainties, worries and doubts. Sometimes when i wake up, the thought of a new day overwhelms me that i close my eyes again hoping that oblivion would take over and make everything just go away. But I am not that lucky.
So everyday i grit my teeth and soldier on, I go through the motions of life with very little enthusiasm. What's even harder is pretending to be happy doing it. Smiling when there really is no joy in your heart. Laughing out loud when inside, you just want to curl into a ball and weep. Singing when there is no music left in your soul. I know I sound depressing and gloomy and believe me thats the last thing I wanted to be, but that's who I have become.....
They say happiness is a state of mind. I wish whoever said that would sit with me one day and just tell me exactly how that is so. I would give anything to be happy, I mean REALLY, TRULY happy.
So everyday i grit my teeth and soldier on, I go through the motions of life with very little enthusiasm. What's even harder is pretending to be happy doing it. Smiling when there really is no joy in your heart. Laughing out loud when inside, you just want to curl into a ball and weep. Singing when there is no music left in your soul. I know I sound depressing and gloomy and believe me thats the last thing I wanted to be, but that's who I have become.....
They say happiness is a state of mind. I wish whoever said that would sit with me one day and just tell me exactly how that is so. I would give anything to be happy, I mean REALLY, TRULY happy.
BLEH Day :(
I dont know what is up with today but for some reason, i just cant seem to get over this overwhelming sadness that i am feeling these past couple days. I was able to squish that little bugger yesterday and the day before with a little help of alcohol, but damn!!! the little punk is persistent!. He reared his ugly pocked face today and sank his razor sharp claws on my chest and did not let go....
I didnt mean to be so downcast and negative, in fact i tried to cheer up some people i know who are also having a shitty day.... ironic how it's so much easier to analyze other people's problems and advise them on what they should do and such, but when it comes to dealing with your own personal demons..... it's tough man, I tell you!
Quoting Rogj, i wish i could go back to the day when my only problem were homeworks that were not done on time. And how to ask mom and dad for money so i can buy that cute little sticker that i've been eyeing for sometime. When cartoons were more interesting than boys, when i wear what i wear because i like it and not because i want someone else to like it on me, when make up was taboo and band aids are the best remedy for skinned knees... when magic was still real and people take care of me....
I try not to regret anything ive done. Ive done all of them because i don't want to wake up one day and wish that i did.... i wanna take chances.... i wanna go out and experiment....I wanna live... but in wanting to do so.... I have done a lot of things i am not so proud of as well....skeletons that i hide in my closet.... i guess that's the price i pay for wanting to be free.... for wanting to be ME.... Its the price i have to live with.....
I didnt mean to be so downcast and negative, in fact i tried to cheer up some people i know who are also having a shitty day.... ironic how it's so much easier to analyze other people's problems and advise them on what they should do and such, but when it comes to dealing with your own personal demons..... it's tough man, I tell you!
Quoting Rogj, i wish i could go back to the day when my only problem were homeworks that were not done on time. And how to ask mom and dad for money so i can buy that cute little sticker that i've been eyeing for sometime. When cartoons were more interesting than boys, when i wear what i wear because i like it and not because i want someone else to like it on me, when make up was taboo and band aids are the best remedy for skinned knees... when magic was still real and people take care of me....
I try not to regret anything ive done. Ive done all of them because i don't want to wake up one day and wish that i did.... i wanna take chances.... i wanna go out and experiment....I wanna live... but in wanting to do so.... I have done a lot of things i am not so proud of as well....skeletons that i hide in my closet.... i guess that's the price i pay for wanting to be free.... for wanting to be ME.... Its the price i have to live with.....
P for Profanity
its 3:55 am which if i round up would be 4am….. not into numbers so i don’t know the rules about rounding off numbers and whether you can apply that to time…. anyways, im supposed to write some snappy and short write up for our station…. and for the life of me, i could not come up with one line without thinking of explicits and profanities in it. must be all those super cool websites that ive been visiting while trying to write, that rubbed on me.
it’s all kuya jay’s (our uber cool editor) fault. he showed me this website called www.badassoftheweek.com where i get to read all about this bad ass dudes and a relatively few dudettes. its not so much the info on the website but more of how the info was delivered. now if i were a regular normal traditional (mouthful of adjectives there) girl, which i am not, i would probably be put off by the number of profanities written on the article. but, like i said, i am neither normal, traditional or regular…. which means…. i love the site. if i were a dude, id probably have a hard on…. if you were anything like me, you would know what i mean. think me weird, i don’t care but reading profanities turn me on. its like reading a fuck-i-need-to jack-now piece of erotica or watching a talk-dirty-you-nasty-cunt porno. excuse my language…. i did say i was turned on…..
it’s all kuya jay’s (our uber cool editor) fault. he showed me this website called www.badassoftheweek.com where i get to read all about this bad ass dudes and a relatively few dudettes. its not so much the info on the website but more of how the info was delivered. now if i were a regular normal traditional (mouthful of adjectives there) girl, which i am not, i would probably be put off by the number of profanities written on the article. but, like i said, i am neither normal, traditional or regular…. which means…. i love the site. if i were a dude, id probably have a hard on…. if you were anything like me, you would know what i mean. think me weird, i don’t care but reading profanities turn me on. its like reading a fuck-i-need-to jack-now piece of erotica or watching a talk-dirty-you-nasty-cunt porno. excuse my language…. i did say i was turned on…..
My Bucket List
It’s almost 3am, and to be honest, I am sleepy as hell. It has been a long day…. Challenging…. Trying….. I felt that there was not enough time to have done all the things that I needed to do and finish. Throughout the day I must have thought of a million and one things that are going wrong and things that I am not happy about in my life. Things that I wanted to change and things I thought would go better if it was done my way. I must have uttered a thousand profane words because normal phrases would not suffice. I AM NOT HAPPY. I am miserable.
A million things are going wrong so fast and it frustrates me to no end that I cannot stop it. I worry about things that have happened, things that are happening, and even things that have not happened yet. I worry about me, I worry about people around me, people against me, people in general…. I can’t even understand why I even worry at all.
I am overwhelmed by all the negativity that I have been feeling lately. I feel choked by it. I feel suffocated. I tried doing fun things to shake the feeling off, but it sticks to me like some crazy glue…. I rub and rub and rub till the skin looks raw and burned. I am clueless… and hopeless…. Which makes the gloomy feeling, magnify even more.
In desperation I turned to the net (always a welcome distraction) to get my mind off things. While I was browsing, I came across this old movie I saw of Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman entitled “the bucket list” I remembered how this movie touched me. How it made me feel that, in spite of all the bad luck and evil people and evil things in the world…. There will always be a part of us that will always be good….. That, no matter how bad things may get, we still have it in us to turn things around…. And sometimes, we might even be lucky enough to find one other soul that would think us worthy of saving….. worthy of loving……
Now what do I get out of writing this? Perhaps nothing…..What I write here may not even make a dent on anyone’s life….. but maybe, just maybe, in the off chance that someone who is on the brink of giving up on life, happens to read this, and moves him, and encourages him, and gives him a bit of hope….. Then my life would not have been useless after all…. That I have been good for something…. That to me, is more than enough.
“The simplest thing is... I loved him. And I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together. Which is amazing... When you think that only three months ago, we were complete strangers! I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me but... the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life... And he knew it before I did.” - Edward Cole, The Bucket List, 2007
A million things are going wrong so fast and it frustrates me to no end that I cannot stop it. I worry about things that have happened, things that are happening, and even things that have not happened yet. I worry about me, I worry about people around me, people against me, people in general…. I can’t even understand why I even worry at all.
I am overwhelmed by all the negativity that I have been feeling lately. I feel choked by it. I feel suffocated. I tried doing fun things to shake the feeling off, but it sticks to me like some crazy glue…. I rub and rub and rub till the skin looks raw and burned. I am clueless… and hopeless…. Which makes the gloomy feeling, magnify even more.
In desperation I turned to the net (always a welcome distraction) to get my mind off things. While I was browsing, I came across this old movie I saw of Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman entitled “the bucket list” I remembered how this movie touched me. How it made me feel that, in spite of all the bad luck and evil people and evil things in the world…. There will always be a part of us that will always be good….. That, no matter how bad things may get, we still have it in us to turn things around…. And sometimes, we might even be lucky enough to find one other soul that would think us worthy of saving….. worthy of loving……
Now what do I get out of writing this? Perhaps nothing…..What I write here may not even make a dent on anyone’s life….. but maybe, just maybe, in the off chance that someone who is on the brink of giving up on life, happens to read this, and moves him, and encourages him, and gives him a bit of hope….. Then my life would not have been useless after all…. That I have been good for something…. That to me, is more than enough.
“The simplest thing is... I loved him. And I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together. Which is amazing... When you think that only three months ago, we were complete strangers! I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me but... the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life... And he knew it before I did.” - Edward Cole, The Bucket List, 2007
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