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Tonight.... I have come to realize something.....
And it was not those.... wham.... eureka-kinda-moment that you see on TV
it was this gradual realization of something..... like a cloud clearing up after a rainstorm..... it was.....
SUREAL....
I have always been a repressed wild child.... I know in my heart that there has always been this drive.... this need to be different.... to do things that are not done by normal people..... I wanted to be daring.... to be crazy.... to be LOUD. When i was younger, i didnt had the guts to do it.... i was too dependent on people. I wanted people to like me too. I wanted people to say what a nice kid i was.... I followed the rules, i smiled till my face hurt, and i did what was expected of me. I was not exceptional..... I was..... NORMAL.... and i was miserable.
Then, i grew up a little... learned a little more about life and how it works.... or how i percieved it to work. I learned about falling in love, getting your heart broken for the first time.... i learned about dissapointment..... mistrust.... betrayal..... i learned that life will not always let you have your way. That as you grow older, things will get more complicated, people will change... YOU will change. Friends will become enemies, enemies will become lovers and lovers.... well lovers will become fleeting memories..... well... those that have not engraved their footprint in your heart.... You learn to let people in and out of your life like the never ending cycle of night and day.... here one day.... gone one night..... such is the truth about life.....
I have felt every possible emotion there is.... all except one....I felt excitement, i felt pride, i felt remorse, i felt shame, i felt gladness, i felt sorrow, i felt dissapointment...... all, except one.... I never truly felt how it was, to be truly happy.
and then there was LOVE....
I thought i knew what being in love was all about. I have read about it countless times... seen it on the big screen and heard people talk about it endlessly. I have fantasized about it from songs that people play on the radio. I have craved for this thing that everyone wants to be part of..... I wanted sooooo bad to fall in love. I guess that was my mistake..... I wanted it so bad that i always mistake it for something else...... I am not ashemed to admit that i have rushed into relationships head-on.... only to come crashing back to earth after a while. I jumped from one lover to another, forcing love to come my way, only to have the door to love closed on my face. I led myself to believe that love is no different from lust..... and that the physical act of being with someone would bring forth this elusive gift..... what a fool I have been.... because in the end..... my quest to finding love, only led me to hate myself more and more. I began to doubt my ability to love.... I began to think that i am lacking.... that there is something wrong with me, or there is something that i am doing wrong.... because the harder i try to grasp for love.... the more the relationships end in bitterness and remorse..... I began to remodify myself into someone my lover would want in a partner.... they wanted skinny? I starved myself to death..... they wanted succesful? I pushed and shoved till i got to the top of what i do.... they wanted pretty? I bought so much damn make up i could put up my own cosmetic store. BUT in the end.... none of these mattered.....
I am not saying that i have given up on my crusade.... I still believe that LOVE is out there... and somewhere out there is a LOVE that is meant for ME. Perhaps, the road to finding it will be difficult... and i may have to face more heartbreak than i would care to experience.... BUT.... if this love is truly out there.... and if it really is meant for me... and me alone....then i know in my heart.... that it will all be WORTH IT.......
And it was not those.... wham.... eureka-kinda-moment that you see on TV
it was this gradual realization of something..... like a cloud clearing up after a rainstorm..... it was.....
SUREAL....
I have always been a repressed wild child.... I know in my heart that there has always been this drive.... this need to be different.... to do things that are not done by normal people..... I wanted to be daring.... to be crazy.... to be LOUD. When i was younger, i didnt had the guts to do it.... i was too dependent on people. I wanted people to like me too. I wanted people to say what a nice kid i was.... I followed the rules, i smiled till my face hurt, and i did what was expected of me. I was not exceptional..... I was..... NORMAL.... and i was miserable.
Then, i grew up a little... learned a little more about life and how it works.... or how i percieved it to work. I learned about falling in love, getting your heart broken for the first time.... i learned about dissapointment..... mistrust.... betrayal..... i learned that life will not always let you have your way. That as you grow older, things will get more complicated, people will change... YOU will change. Friends will become enemies, enemies will become lovers and lovers.... well lovers will become fleeting memories..... well... those that have not engraved their footprint in your heart.... You learn to let people in and out of your life like the never ending cycle of night and day.... here one day.... gone one night..... such is the truth about life.....
I have felt every possible emotion there is.... all except one....I felt excitement, i felt pride, i felt remorse, i felt shame, i felt gladness, i felt sorrow, i felt dissapointment...... all, except one.... I never truly felt how it was, to be truly happy.
and then there was LOVE....
I thought i knew what being in love was all about. I have read about it countless times... seen it on the big screen and heard people talk about it endlessly. I have fantasized about it from songs that people play on the radio. I have craved for this thing that everyone wants to be part of..... I wanted sooooo bad to fall in love. I guess that was my mistake..... I wanted it so bad that i always mistake it for something else...... I am not ashemed to admit that i have rushed into relationships head-on.... only to come crashing back to earth after a while. I jumped from one lover to another, forcing love to come my way, only to have the door to love closed on my face. I led myself to believe that love is no different from lust..... and that the physical act of being with someone would bring forth this elusive gift..... what a fool I have been.... because in the end..... my quest to finding love, only led me to hate myself more and more. I began to doubt my ability to love.... I began to think that i am lacking.... that there is something wrong with me, or there is something that i am doing wrong.... because the harder i try to grasp for love.... the more the relationships end in bitterness and remorse..... I began to remodify myself into someone my lover would want in a partner.... they wanted skinny? I starved myself to death..... they wanted succesful? I pushed and shoved till i got to the top of what i do.... they wanted pretty? I bought so much damn make up i could put up my own cosmetic store. BUT in the end.... none of these mattered.....
I am not saying that i have given up on my crusade.... I still believe that LOVE is out there... and somewhere out there is a LOVE that is meant for ME. Perhaps, the road to finding it will be difficult... and i may have to face more heartbreak than i would care to experience.... BUT.... if this love is truly out there.... and if it really is meant for me... and me alone....then i know in my heart.... that it will all be WORTH IT.......
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